Is this really birth?
“Your partner cannot be with you in any of your prenatal visits”. With this statement the doctor affirmed what was one of my greatest fears. Not only was I carrying our first child, but now the joy of the experience felt suddenly stripped. It felt I was missing a big piece of the journey by my husband not being at each appointment, not hearing the baby’s heartbeat together, not having his comforting hand to hold in the quiet yet pivotal moments where I need to feel his strength and support through his grip. As I sat in that cold doctor’s office in 2020, I felt uncomfortable in the mask I was mandated to wear, and it suddenly felt suffocating when I was told I might have to wear this through labor and delivery. The panic officially set in.
This is what I remember of my first OB appointment at the hospital. I had lived my life seemingly feeling in control, but now I felt completely helpless. In this moment I was so scared. Then I remembered, I had also set up an appointment with the local midwife at the birth center. I wanted to see what all of my options were. Though, if I’m being honest, I didn’t view the birth center as a real possibility, because I was not “one of those women”. I completely trust the traditional medical system, they have my best interest in mind, right? I wish I was as strong as those women that do it at a birth center, or at home, but I need more peace of mind in case something was to go wrong. I don’t know if I have that high of a pain tolerance. Do midwives really know what’s medically going on the way doctors do anyways? I mean I have no clue what in the world is happening during birth, but do I really want to know? Won’t that just tell me all the ways it could go wrong? I’d rather hand over all responsibility to the doctor and just have my baby in the end!
These were some of my thoughts before heading into my first appointment with the midwife, I was a bit skeptical. I did however have a curiosity about giving birth naturally at this point, I just couldn’t fathom actually following through with it. I graduated with my Bachelor of Science degree in Nutrition and Wellness, so I like to think that I was connected to the importance of avoiding medical intervention when possible and trying to support my body through a well-nourished lifestyle. This seemed to naturally connect with birth in my mind, though I wasn’t sure how. Walking in the doors of that birth center I didn’t know what to expect. When I was escorted to a room that felt so cozy, a home away from home, there came a little more comfort. Then the midwife came in. The word that comes to mind is hospitable. I did not feel like I was a burden with my questions, nor that I was ridiculous for having certain requests. When I walked out of the birth center that day, I left with more questions than I realized I knew how to ask. But I also left with such peace that I knew two things were certain, 1 - I would be giving birth at the birth center and, 2- I was terrified.
The phrase “you don’t know what you don’t know” resonates when I think of my first pregnancy. My birth team asked me questions I had never considered. Questions, I didn’t even know I had the choice to answer. Once I completed my childbirth education course focused on physiological birth, I felt more empowered than I ever had before. I had no idea the emotional journey this pregnancy would lead me in. The more I was educated and surrendered to the fear I had in my heart, the more I felt peace. How was this possible?! I became increasingly amazed and simultaneously disturbed that this wasn’t the mainstream way women experience birth. “All women need to know this”, I thought as I was learning, the birth process is truly amazing! It dawned on me, with all other matters regarding my body, I want to know what someone is doing, why they’re doing it, and give them permission to do so. Though somehow when it came to birth, I adapted a mindset of complete complacency, unintentionally handing over practices that are intrusive to not only my body, but my baby, and are not always necessary based on evidence-based research. Again, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. When I had a birth team that empowered me toward confidence, education, and my capabilities in birth, my entire experience changed for the better.
Because I addressed my root fear through my pregnancy and was able to surrender, I was empowered rather than riddled with anxiety when one of my worst fears was realized in contracting COVID-19 the day before I went into labor. Because I was educated on physiological birth, the hormones involved, and the movement that assists the natural process I was able to relax despite my fears trying to rise to the surface. Because I learned the significant role my mindset plays in the labor and delivery process, I was able to lean on my faith in a way I never had before, creating an environment that enriched my soul with scripture, worship, and reminded me to surrender. Because I implicitly trusted my birth team, and we had discussed my birth preferences, I was able to relax upon the onset of labor, knowing my team would take care of me. In this surrender, in my sickness, and in my greatest moment of weakness, I found the strength outside of myself. The birth of my son wasn’t happening to me, but I was embracing the process every step of the way. This birth was happening with me, body and mind. 12 hours later, I birthed our beautiful first-born son, Judah, and I too, birthed into motherhood.
Since this experience, I have birthed my second child, Theodore. Though his story unfolded in different circumstances, I continued to learn and grow and ultimately went into both births with an empowered mindset. In both cases, I have experienced an amazing, intervention free birth. Though not all stories unfold the way mine did, I do believe the principle should hold true for all women. Education is important, making informed choices shouldn’t be viewed as a nuisance with your primary care provider and birth team! When intervention is necessary, it is valuable and can save lives! However, for the majority of births, many interventions are completely unnecessary. My biggest piece of advice, surround yourself with a birth team that helps empower you in your process! Do you feel supported when you have questions, or do you feel dismissed and unheard? Do you feel like your team is asking YOU questions? Sometimes you won’t always know what to ask, but the right team will help guide you in education. Is the information you’re getting evidence-based, or is it a standard practice, why is it a standard practice? Not all standard practices in birth are evidence-based, a fact that still blows me away!
If you are looking to form your birth team, we’d love for you to consider us at Ezer birth. If you are looking for support from a team that prayerfully invests in their clients, cares about education, and deeply wants you to feel empowered, please reach out to us! We’d love to support you in your journey into motherhood.
Written by Heather McNally
